British Hospitals - True Stories

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'. I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear......Suddenly after protests from the lady, I noticed that there were several taxis - -  and I was in the wrong one.  Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow  ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,’ I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..   Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath --------------------------------------------------------------------------3.  One day, I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.' Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one ?’. . .. I asked. 'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.   Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General  ---------------------------------------------------------------------  5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bed-ridden?' After a look of complete confusion, she answered. 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.' Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent  ------------------------------------------------------------------------  6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ...' So, how was your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste'. . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.' Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.  --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation.. When she was completely dis-robed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . ..'Keep off the grass' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.' Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty, KGH London Dr. wouldn't submit his name.